Raise the Child You Have, Not the Child You Imagine
Read time: 3 minutes
Welcome to issue #048 of Unicorn Parents. Each week, I share practical insights and reflections to help you build a profitable business without missing the magic at home. If you’re serious about winning at work while raising great kids, you’ve come to the right place. This is a community built for ambitious parents who want both.
I have two younger brothers.
Same parents.
Same home.
Same dinner table.
And yet, we are wildly different.
One is more adventurous.
One more risk-averse.
One needs freedom.
One thrives with structure.
You’re parents. You know exactly what I mean.
Children raised under the same roof can grow into completely different temperaments.
So why do we insist they all grow into the same type of adult?
Some kids need structure.
They want someone to tell them what’s next.
They’d rather not make the decisions.
And that’s okay.
It’s OKAY if your child doesn’t want to be a “leader”…at least not in the way we define it in America.
In Twelfth Night, Malvolio reads a letter containing the famous line:
“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ’em.”
We love that line.
We print it on posters.
We quote it in graduation speeches.
But we rarely ask:
“What if my child doesn’t want greatness thrust upon them?”
The American Obsession with Leadership
In the US, we are obsessed with raising leaders.
We equate leadership with confidence.
Confidence with individuality.
Individuality with freedom.
And sometimes, quietly, we assume that conformity is failure.
But I’ve spent the last three days in South Korea interacting with parents.
Watching how children move in groups.
How classrooms operate.
How respect and order are woven into daily life.
And then it hit me:
A healthy society needs both leaders and followers.
Individual thinkers and collective contributors.
Bold voices and steady hands.
You cannot have a symphony made entirely of soloists.
What If Your Child Is Wired Differently?
Some children light up when asked to lead.
Others light up when given clear structure.
Some thrive in open-ended freedom.
Others thrive in well-defined expectations.
Neither is superior.
The problem isn’t temperament.
The problem is projection.
Some parents project unfinished ambitions onto their children.
Some parents push them toward a personality that feels prestigious.
But flourishing doesn’t come from prestige.
It comes from alignment.
It’s Not That Complicated
Raising balanced children isn’t mystical.
It requires three things:
1. Observation
Watch your child without trying to edit them.
Do they feel comfortable leading?
Following?
Working collectively?
Progressing independently?
Stand back long enough to see who they actually are.
Your job is not to drag them toward the center of some cultural ideal.
Your job is to grow the child you have (not the one you imagine).
2. Patience
Let them grow.
Let them fail.
Let them hesitate.
Let them experiment with identities.
Identity is not a startup.
It unfolds.
3. Encouragement
Once you see their direction, encourage it.
Even if it’s not the path you would choose.
Children have free will.
They are temporarily in our care.
We can guide.
We cannot force.
And when we try to force, we don’t produce flourishing.
We produce resentment.
The Real Goal
Flourishing for both parent and child happens when…
…the child flourishes in a decision they made.
Not when the parent gets what they wanted.
Leadership is not a personality trait.
It is a season.
It is a responsibility that arrives, sometimes quietly, sometimes suddenly.
But if you live long enough…
Greatness (in some form) gets thrust upon everyone.
The quiet child will one day mentor someone.
The structured follower will one day guide a team.
The risk-averse child will one day protect a family.
The collective thinker will one day anchor a community.
Leadership comes.
Age brings it.
Experience brings it.
Responsibility brings it.
We don’t need to force it at eight.
We don’t need to manufacture it at twelve.
We don’t need to panic if it’s not visible at fifteen.
Because when the time comes,
if we have observed well,
been patient,
and encouraged wisely,
our children will rise in the way they were designed to.
And that is true greatness.
PS If this resonated, forward it to another parent who feels pressure to raise a “leader.”
Very thoughtful post, David. For me, its not whether my son becomes a "Leader" or " Contributor" its a mater of making sure they are not mastered by fear. Fear is what will rob them of the purpose and will derail him from the life God has created him for. Fear attacks Hope. Without Hope there is a destruction of self inside ones purpose. The only cure for fear is Love.